There is at Least One Thing You Can Always Do to Make Progress

Struggles and challenges in life are usually a complex web of various issues. Usually, when one strand of the web is touched, it affects the whole web. For example, when there is a financial struggle, it affects sleeping patterns, which affects mood, which might affect behavioral responses...

When I struggled with depression, I had a sense of loss of control over my thinking patterns, as well as over some other areas in life. During my hardest years, God blessed me in one area in which I struggled prior to that time: I was blessed financially. Finally, during that time, I was able to start saving and watching it grow for two consecutive years. When the income decreased and I was not able to save anymore, I focused on improving something else that was under my control at the time.

Spiritually, I make an effort to do the same. For all people, there are things that are beyond their control. When circumstances get too difficult to handle, we can observe repeating patterns, trying to discern why things are the way they are. As people, we have a tendency to justify our own actions and see negative things in other people. However, wisdom is found both in introspection and observing other people’s behavioral patterns. 

Yesterday, I had a chance to observe and learn from a storm I found myself in. I had the option of not engaging in the conflict, but I chose to respond, which caused some friction. I was asked to co-lead a group, but nobody was aware of that (there were some sudden circumstances that caused one of the leaders to be unable to come, so I was asked to replace him). During the group I was co-leading, one person who was supposed to be only a group member took the initiative to facilitate the group at times. It was nothing unusual; all group leaders have to deal with that issue at times. However, at one moment, the same person who took over the facilitation at times raised her hand to quiet me and asked the other co-leader to continue speaking. Well, such a reaction would be inappropriate from the person even if I was not leading the group that day. The group was meeting in my home, and I had been in ministry for 10 years longer than the person who found it necessary to shut me up publicly. In that moment, it was a bit tense. Rarely do I decide to react right away. So, I did what I normally do. I took a step back. I allowed the public rebuke, kept quiet for a minute or two, and continued the facilitation the best I knew how.

During the group session, there was a chance to take a few minutes for introspection. I took some time to get in touch with my emotions and thoughts that were forming an attitude, while I was seeking wisdom on how to respond. I decided to do what probably most people would not do. After the group, while other people were still sitting, I approached the person in front of everyone and said to the person that it was not appropriate what the person did during the group. I faced the problem head-on, for other people to see.

Instead of exerting control over the group dynamics by maintaining private conversations, I opted for transparency. It was a risky move, as it allowed people to see that there was an issue and decide whether to engage. The individual promptly apologized, and I accepted it. However, while clarifying matters with another co-leader to tie up loose ends, a misunderstanding arose. Someone inquired discreetly about my role that day, and the co-leader casually mentioned that I was merely hosting the group, causing a commotion. I became visibly irritated during the situation. Despite the minor disturbance, we all departed seemingly reconciled, at least on the surface. That evening, as I prepared for bed, I pondered whether everyone was going to sleep content and emotionally fulfilled. I had my doubts. A storm had brewed, since some unsettling things had been ignored for some time.

I went to bed evaluating the situation and woke up with a realization. I realized that there are many negative attitude issues that cause people to behave inappropriately. We often address the inappropriate behavior, which most of the time gets fixed (for some time at least), but underlying attitudes (negative thinking patterns and emotional struggles) do not get addressed, and the real problem remains. As more negative feelings and thoughts get stored up, the web of various negativities gets thicker. How do we address those when there is a complex web of both negative thinking patterns and emotional struggles in various people forming a web of relationships?

Yesterday's small storm reminded me of some other challenging relationships in life. It made me wonder how one tackles serious, ongoing issues in difficult relationships, whether in family, work, or church. How does the real problem behind inappropriate behavioral patterns get resolved? How does one discern what the underlying problem really is (lack of respect, manipulative or seductive behavior, greed, or simple lust for power)? Who knows what the real issues are, right?

The more I ponder on it, the more I realize that there is only one thing I can do after addressing the crossing of some of my boundary lines: I can ask the Holy Spirit to search my heart. Perhaps throwing my stone on the water will have some ripple effect. While allowing my own heart to be searched, I cannot help but wonder, if we all do the same, will we live in a genuinely loving community? If we all allow our hearts to reveal our underlying issues, and if we allow ourselves to be vulnerable and transparent, perhaps we can get rid of some bull*. Perhaps then we might live in a community where people genuinely love one another. Maybe the “city on a hill” (Matthew 5:14-16) is not utopia. Perhaps we can be a genuinely loving community. Well, I know what you’re thinking… most people don’t truly search their own hearts; instead, they manipulate, seduce, gossip, and form various alliances. So, I guess there is really only one thing I can do at this time. I can ask the Holy Spirit to search my own heart. What is one thing that you can do?

“Then he said to me, “Son of man, look toward the north.” So I looked, and in the entrance north of the gate of the altar I saw this idol of jealousy. And he said to me, “Son of man, do you see what they are doing—the utterly detestable things the Israelites are doing here, things that will drive me far from my sanctuary? But you will see things that are even more detestable.” Then he brought me to the entrance to the court. I looked, and I saw a hole in the wall. He said to me, “Son of man, now dig into the wall.” So I dug into the wall and saw a doorway there. And he said to me, “Go in and see the wicked and detestable things they are doing here.” So I went in and looked, and I saw portrayed all over the walls all kinds of crawling things and unclean animals and all the idols of Israel.” - Ezekiel 8:5-9