Is Someone Using Rewards and Fear to Shape Your Choices?

Have you ever agreed to something because you hoped for approval—or because you were afraid of what would happen if you said no?

The “carrot and stick” approach uses rewards to encourage behaviour and consequences to discourage it. Clear rewards and consequences can have a place in teaching and leadership. But when someone uses them to control another person, the relationship can begin to revolve around compliance rather than trust.

The shift may be hard to notice. A small compromise brings praise. A reasonable boundary is met with disappointment or intimidation. Over time, you may find yourself making choices to keep someone pleased or avoid their reaction, even when those choices conflict with what you believe is right.

My mixed-media mirror, Carrot and Stick, invites us to look in both directions. Has someone been using rewards or fear to shape your decisions? Have you used approval, withdrawal, or pressure to influence someone else? What has happened to honesty and trust in those relationships?

Ephesians offers a different picture of how we grow together: by speaking the truth in love, with each person contributing to a community that builds itself up in love (Ephesians 4:15–16).

Truth need not be hidden behind a reward, and love need not be enforced through fear.

As you look at the mirror, consider one relationship where you could practise greater honesty. Is there a boundary you need to express, a question you need to ask, or a way you could speak more openly and lovingly?

What is shaping your choices today: love and truth, or the hope of a reward and the fear of a consequence?

“Carrot and stick” 2025. Mirror No. 20, Mixed media on cardboard.